So I was driving those million kilometres to work the other day when I noticed the car in front of me had a sticker. Some may call it tailgating but I was just trying to read what it said...
"Men are Idiots. I divorced their king."
Wow. Talk about bitter.
I contemplated driving up beside her and asking her how the other team was going but I thought it was better that I just assumed such things.
Anyone who has those kind of stickers on the back of their cars are giving us permission to judge them. Right?
Right.
Saturday, August 14, 2010
Thursday, July 15, 2010
Probably Why I Do Art
I don't actually have anything to write about. I just need something do fill in my time as a captive, locked in my room with the cleaners son outside vacuuming the floor.
I also feel bad about it every single week i'm on holidays and at home because for one, my floor is never vacuumable as you generally can't see it and two, because I should really be doing the cleaning. Although saying that, the family has all come to terms with the fact that we're sucky cleaners (except mum who is a super cleaning freak) so really a cleaner is the best option as it keeps everyone happy and mum less stressed!
In other news I was lying in bed last night and thinking about the lights in my room. I have four halogens, two over my desk and two over my bed. For years I asked if i could get a light switch from my bed to turn off these lights so that when reading in bed was finished I wouldn't have to venture out into the cold air and turn them off.
It never worked.
But said halogens made me very confused and curious for a long time. You see, a few years ago we had an extension on our house which was fantastic as my brother and I now have a separate part of the house to retire to where the parents do not come in and tell us we are being too loud.
When construction started my brother and I used to rollerblade on the slab and then when the wooden foundations went up we thought it was even better because then there were obstacles.
The original part of the house is double brick, but that didn't continue into the extension (well interior wall wise anyway) Gyprock was substituted as in most housing cases and at first the wall between my brothers room and mine was AWESOME.
We could talk through it and best of all make awesome secret knocks!
Years went by and as we got computers in our rooms and started to listen to music, that gyprock wall got less and less awesome.
Today it is a pain in the arse. My brother and I listen to very different music and so as I put my volume onto maximum the bass of his crappy RnB/ Pop/Whateverthehellitis booms through that wonderful wall and reverberates around the room.
What's even worse is that his desk is on the wall right next to my bed. He also goes to sleep hours later than me.
So as I'm lying there, listening to the tapping of his keyboard and occasional chuckle, I look up at the ceiling and see the halogens in my room glowing, as if they got so hot while they were on they're still red hot and cooling down.
I wait a while but the glow doesn't go, they don't seem to cool down. I fall asleep perplexed and when I wake up and in the morning they are back to normal.
This goes on for at least a year, until one day, as I'm lying in bed my brother also decides to go to bed and turns his light off.
The glowing stops.
And everything makes sense.
I also feel bad about it every single week i'm on holidays and at home because for one, my floor is never vacuumable as you generally can't see it and two, because I should really be doing the cleaning. Although saying that, the family has all come to terms with the fact that we're sucky cleaners (except mum who is a super cleaning freak) so really a cleaner is the best option as it keeps everyone happy and mum less stressed!
In other news I was lying in bed last night and thinking about the lights in my room. I have four halogens, two over my desk and two over my bed. For years I asked if i could get a light switch from my bed to turn off these lights so that when reading in bed was finished I wouldn't have to venture out into the cold air and turn them off.
It never worked.
But said halogens made me very confused and curious for a long time. You see, a few years ago we had an extension on our house which was fantastic as my brother and I now have a separate part of the house to retire to where the parents do not come in and tell us we are being too loud.
When construction started my brother and I used to rollerblade on the slab and then when the wooden foundations went up we thought it was even better because then there were obstacles.
The original part of the house is double brick, but that didn't continue into the extension (well interior wall wise anyway) Gyprock was substituted as in most housing cases and at first the wall between my brothers room and mine was AWESOME.
We could talk through it and best of all make awesome secret knocks!
Years went by and as we got computers in our rooms and started to listen to music, that gyprock wall got less and less awesome.
Today it is a pain in the arse. My brother and I listen to very different music and so as I put my volume onto maximum the bass of his crappy RnB/ Pop/Whateverthehellitis booms through that wonderful wall and reverberates around the room.
What's even worse is that his desk is on the wall right next to my bed. He also goes to sleep hours later than me.
So as I'm lying there, listening to the tapping of his keyboard and occasional chuckle, I look up at the ceiling and see the halogens in my room glowing, as if they got so hot while they were on they're still red hot and cooling down.
I wait a while but the glow doesn't go, they don't seem to cool down. I fall asleep perplexed and when I wake up and in the morning they are back to normal.
This goes on for at least a year, until one day, as I'm lying in bed my brother also decides to go to bed and turns his light off.
The glowing stops.
And everything makes sense.
Tuesday, June 22, 2010
Catering for Idiots
Here are a few things i've noticed working in hospitality.
1) People asking me what kind of wine it is i'm serving and me on occasion making it up. But generally no one is a connoisseur and I get away with it.
Client: "What red is this?"
Me: "uh.. Pinot Noir?"
Client: "Oh that's my favourite!"
2) People who ask what kind of canapes you're serving when you know they're going to eat it anyway.
3) People, more specifically women who go "oh I couldn't possibly eat that!" yet they're desperately trying to contain their salivating tongue, their eyes can't break contact from the shiny tray and they shove their hands in their pockets/purses/behind their backs as they twitch, craving that tasty tasty deep fried spring roll. (This generally happens in a large group of females and/or one female in large group of males. )
JUST EAT THE DAMN THING.
4) People ordering coffee. Now we all know there are a range of coffees to choose from. For example, I am quite partial to a cappuccino.
But when this happens:
Me: Would you like a tea of coffee?
Client: Coffee.
Me: What kind of coffee?
Client: *slightly annoyed* Coffee.
Me: *also slightly annoyed* Yes, but what kind of coffee would you like Madam??
Client: Oh uh. Flat white.
You make me angry.
Now all these are pretty standard observations but what I don't understand is how this happens.
5) A lady approaches me while I have a tray full of red and white wine. As she grabs a white wine and is lifting it off my tray she asks "Is this white wine?"
1) People asking me what kind of wine it is i'm serving and me on occasion making it up. But generally no one is a connoisseur and I get away with it.
Client: "What red is this?"
Me: "uh.. Pinot Noir?"
Client: "Oh that's my favourite!"
2) People who ask what kind of canapes you're serving when you know they're going to eat it anyway.
3) People, more specifically women who go "oh I couldn't possibly eat that!" yet they're desperately trying to contain their salivating tongue, their eyes can't break contact from the shiny tray and they shove their hands in their pockets/purses/behind their backs as they twitch, craving that tasty tasty deep fried spring roll. (This generally happens in a large group of females and/or one female in large group of males. )
JUST EAT THE DAMN THING.
4) People ordering coffee. Now we all know there are a range of coffees to choose from. For example, I am quite partial to a cappuccino.
But when this happens:
Me: Would you like a tea of coffee?
Client: Coffee.
Me: What kind of coffee?
Client: *slightly annoyed* Coffee.
Me: *also slightly annoyed* Yes, but what kind of coffee would you like Madam??
Client: Oh uh. Flat white.
You make me angry.
Now all these are pretty standard observations but what I don't understand is how this happens.
5) A lady approaches me while I have a tray full of red and white wine. As she grabs a white wine and is lifting it off my tray she asks "Is this white wine?"
Thursday, June 17, 2010
You Know What Sexy Undies Mean...
So uh, i went and bought new undies today. Quite nice ones because they were 25% off. However Myer has recently been undergoing some renovation which somehow translates to being short of staff. Anyway the counter at the deepest darkest corner of the lower floor lingerie was empty so I ventured into the bedding section's one. No one there either until I see a huge nest of hair bobbing my way saying "i'll be there in a second!"
All of a sudden some guy (who also seemed to work there) comes rushing past her and towards me. Now the good thing was that I was going to be able to pay and go do something better with my time but at the same time this rather unfortunately blotchy faced man (no, it wasn't a birth mark if you're thinking i'm being unnecessarily rude) is handling said undies.
And all the while i'm thinking to myself - if i'm thinking about him thinking about wearing these... What the hell must he be thinking?!
All of a sudden some guy (who also seemed to work there) comes rushing past her and towards me. Now the good thing was that I was going to be able to pay and go do something better with my time but at the same time this rather unfortunately blotchy faced man (no, it wasn't a birth mark if you're thinking i'm being unnecessarily rude) is handling said undies.
And all the while i'm thinking to myself - if i'm thinking about him thinking about wearing these... What the hell must he be thinking?!
Sunday, June 13, 2010
Miaow
As I scanned over my screen at all the tabs I have open and the bookmarks I have to bookmark I came back to this, sweet blog. And found that there was shite all over the front of it.
So clean up starts with a new post.
It was semi officially the first day of my sweeet sweet six weeks of holidays yesterday. I had to get up early to umpire for a hockey mate but when i arrived to the oval of half frozen grass and scattered goal posts, it was barren.. of everyone. I went home and found that there were no hockey matches for the June Long Weekend. So being cold outside and the bed and couch being both equally comfy and warm, I found myself going from one to the other to nap. For the rest of the day. My cat also joined me on the couch - I was the big spoon.
So clean up starts with a new post.
It was semi officially the first day of my sweeet sweet six weeks of holidays yesterday. I had to get up early to umpire for a hockey mate but when i arrived to the oval of half frozen grass and scattered goal posts, it was barren.. of everyone. I went home and found that there were no hockey matches for the June Long Weekend. So being cold outside and the bed and couch being both equally comfy and warm, I found myself going from one to the other to nap. For the rest of the day. My cat also joined me on the couch - I was the big spoon.
Thursday, May 20, 2010
Oh uh... You Don't Want to Sit on That Stool...
So i'm sitting here, innocently at my dad's computer (it's running faster than mine and thus keeping me fitter) when curiosity gets the better of me and I see two paintbrushes. "Excellent!" I think as my teacher has told me that i'll be needing some for hand toning prints tomorrow at Uni. There are also two bright blue plastic bags underneath them. "What could they be for? Oh look, a set of instructions..."
Real all instructions before beginning:
SAMPLE 1 - Your first bowel movement
1- Take these instructions, Brush kit and Test Card into the bathroom.
Flush the toilet BEFORE your bowel movement.
2- After your bowel movement .DO NOT PLACED USED TOILET PAPER IN THE TOILET BOWL. Instead use one of the BLUE waste bags from the Brush kit envelope. DO NOT FLUSH THE TOILET.
3- Life the flap marked "life here for SAMPLE 1" on the test Card to uncover the small white square marked "SAMPLE 1"
4- Using one of the blue brushes swirl the brush in the toilet water around and above the stool.
5- Transfer the toilet WATER sample by placing the bristles of the brush on to the small white square on the Test Card and hold for 5 seconds.
DO NOT place any faeces on the Test card.
6- Close the flap back over SAMPLE 1 and stick it down using one of the barcode labels located on theback of this page. Throw the used blue brush in the bin.
SAMPLE 2- Your second sample must be from a different bowel movement.
"and soo.. do I repeat the first 6 steps??"
I wish you could see the picture for number four. Also, I wonder how many times someone's stuck the brush in the water and gone "aw shit. I got shit in it."
Would they go to the bathroom and clean it and come back? Would they smear that white square with poo and be done with it?
So many questions...
But it's for bowel cancer sooo. GOOD ON ONE OF MY FAMILY MEMBERS WHO I WILL NOT MENTION.
Real all instructions before beginning:
SAMPLE 1 - Your first bowel movement
1- Take these instructions, Brush kit and Test Card into the bathroom.
Flush the toilet BEFORE your bowel movement.
2- After your bowel movement .DO NOT PLACED USED TOILET PAPER IN THE TOILET BOWL. Instead use one of the BLUE waste bags from the Brush kit envelope. DO NOT FLUSH THE TOILET.
3- Life the flap marked "life here for SAMPLE 1" on the test Card to uncover the small white square marked "SAMPLE 1"
4- Using one of the blue brushes swirl the brush in the toilet water around and above the stool.
5- Transfer the toilet WATER sample by placing the bristles of the brush on to the small white square on the Test Card and hold for 5 seconds.
DO NOT place any faeces on the Test card.
6- Close the flap back over SAMPLE 1 and stick it down using one of the barcode labels located on theback of this page. Throw the used blue brush in the bin.
SAMPLE 2- Your second sample must be from a different bowel movement.
"and soo.. do I repeat the first 6 steps??"
I wish you could see the picture for number four. Also, I wonder how many times someone's stuck the brush in the water and gone "aw shit. I got shit in it."
Would they go to the bathroom and clean it and come back? Would they smear that white square with poo and be done with it?
So many questions...
But it's for bowel cancer sooo. GOOD ON ONE OF MY FAMILY MEMBERS WHO I WILL NOT MENTION.
Tuesday, May 4, 2010
Burning the House Down
So once again it has been a while, actually that's a lie, it hasn't been that long.
Starting again!
Nothing exciting ever happens at my house. Except for dinner. Because that's always exciting. And it seems that it was even more so last night. Pyrotechnics dare I say, would be proud of my mum's performance.
I went to hockey for a whole hour and come back to find mum running her arm under the tap in the kitchen and muttering something about going to the hospital to get it checked out.
Before I could even ask what happened mum starts raving about how she plugged in the gas, turned it on and POOF a raging inferno engulfs the BBQ.
My brother avoiding all kitchen contact (besides eating) was sitting in his room with his new noise canceling headphones on and thought to himself as he heard muffled screams "gee Mum is yelling unusually loudly... I thought I already put the dishes away?" However, being the mamma's boy he is, ventured to the kitchen to find mum battling flames.
Now we have three hoses situated around the house - One is in the front garden, one is near the back door, and one is next to the courtyard where the BBQ is.
Harry chose to get the one in the front garden.
Kidding.
But he did get the one near the backdoor and ran all the way around the house to discover the courtyard one.
After successfully dousing the flames 000 was called and not one, but TWO fire engines turned up with not two,but SIX "quite attractive" (quoted from mum) firemen.
Mum realised that the chicken drumsticks headed for the BBQ were not going to be cooking there and put them in the oven.
Dad got home from work and was thinking that it was the neighbors.
And then I got home and found that I'd missed the whole thing.
But the best part about it all - Dinner was still served on time.
Starting again!
Nothing exciting ever happens at my house. Except for dinner. Because that's always exciting. And it seems that it was even more so last night. Pyrotechnics dare I say, would be proud of my mum's performance.
I went to hockey for a whole hour and come back to find mum running her arm under the tap in the kitchen and muttering something about going to the hospital to get it checked out.
Before I could even ask what happened mum starts raving about how she plugged in the gas, turned it on and POOF a raging inferno engulfs the BBQ.
My brother avoiding all kitchen contact (besides eating) was sitting in his room with his new noise canceling headphones on and thought to himself as he heard muffled screams "gee Mum is yelling unusually loudly... I thought I already put the dishes away?" However, being the mamma's boy he is, ventured to the kitchen to find mum battling flames.
Now we have three hoses situated around the house - One is in the front garden, one is near the back door, and one is next to the courtyard where the BBQ is.
Harry chose to get the one in the front garden.
Kidding.
But he did get the one near the backdoor and ran all the way around the house to discover the courtyard one.
After successfully dousing the flames 000 was called and not one, but TWO fire engines turned up with not two,but SIX "quite attractive" (quoted from mum) firemen.
Mum realised that the chicken drumsticks headed for the BBQ were not going to be cooking there and put them in the oven.
Dad got home from work and was thinking that it was the neighbors.
And then I got home and found that I'd missed the whole thing.
But the best part about it all - Dinner was still served on time.
Tuesday, March 23, 2010
Jacob and Keens Joint Party
Mary Jane is looking fine tonight.
She's wearing her favourite green dress and made her eyes extra smokey.
Jacob welcomes her handing her a glass as Keen sidles up to say hi. The others look on with eager curiosity.
"How's it going Mary?" Keen says, a twinkle in his eye.
"Not bad not bad, the place looks amazing!" Mary smiles around the room.
"Here let me introduce you to our friends."
Mary is whisked around the room by Keen, his arm around her waist, letting her go only for quick hugs.
Tou holds their embrace for just a little too long and Heet tries to get in on the action.
Keen doesn't like what he sees and throws a punch at Tou.
Just as his fist makes contact with Tou's face, the door bursts open and Giggles arrives followed by Little Creatures, oblivious to the drama as they loop around the room to make themselves known. She see's Mary and runs over, together their presence seems to distract Tou and Keen and Heet dissapears to the loo.
Rock starts to shout and the party gets a little wild.
Con, Dom and Richard take Fanny into the spare room. Through the gloom they find Gooney experimenting with Mr Noir on the bed. Richard and Fanny laugh and stagger away leaving Con and Dom pulling out their phones to film.
Jack and Daniel head out to the garden when they have an epiphany about how to kill Kenny and then dump him in Jacob's creek.
The moonshine is strong and they're momentarily distracted to see James Squire peeing on the fence.
Mr Fosters sticks his head over the fence to yell profanities and back in the house everything is great... until Munchies arrives.
He catches Mary's eyes and the room stands still. Striding with confidence he sweeps Mary off her feet. They dance as if they're one person and Jim beams at them until getting thoroughly confused, walking off to sit in a corner to comprehend such complexities.
She smiles seductively. "Well hello stranger."
A thunderous grumble rolls around the room.
"Any one seen Chip?"
She's wearing her favourite green dress and made her eyes extra smokey.
Jacob welcomes her handing her a glass as Keen sidles up to say hi. The others look on with eager curiosity.
"How's it going Mary?" Keen says, a twinkle in his eye.
"Not bad not bad, the place looks amazing!" Mary smiles around the room.
"Here let me introduce you to our friends."
Mary is whisked around the room by Keen, his arm around her waist, letting her go only for quick hugs.
Tou holds their embrace for just a little too long and Heet tries to get in on the action.
Keen doesn't like what he sees and throws a punch at Tou.
Just as his fist makes contact with Tou's face, the door bursts open and Giggles arrives followed by Little Creatures, oblivious to the drama as they loop around the room to make themselves known. She see's Mary and runs over, together their presence seems to distract Tou and Keen and Heet dissapears to the loo.
Rock starts to shout and the party gets a little wild.
Con, Dom and Richard take Fanny into the spare room. Through the gloom they find Gooney experimenting with Mr Noir on the bed. Richard and Fanny laugh and stagger away leaving Con and Dom pulling out their phones to film.
Jack and Daniel head out to the garden when they have an epiphany about how to kill Kenny and then dump him in Jacob's creek.
The moonshine is strong and they're momentarily distracted to see James Squire peeing on the fence.
Mr Fosters sticks his head over the fence to yell profanities and back in the house everything is great... until Munchies arrives.
He catches Mary's eyes and the room stands still. Striding with confidence he sweeps Mary off her feet. They dance as if they're one person and Jim beams at them until getting thoroughly confused, walking off to sit in a corner to comprehend such complexities.
She smiles seductively. "Well hello stranger."
A thunderous grumble rolls around the room.
"Any one seen Chip?"
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